You might be a Bostonian if....

1. You think of Philadelphia as the "deep south."
2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R).
4. You think three straight days of 90+ is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after Celtic hall of famers.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry frenzy.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. You know the significance of 1918.
10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area you're visiting are all whacked.
12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from the game 6 of the 1986 world series.
13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don't realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone else.
16. You're anal, neurotic, spasmatic & stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
18. You think $15 to park is a bargain.
19. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
20. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
21. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.

If you're from Boston:

1. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summa.
2. And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at the packie.

Herewith, a survival guide to Bawstin:

1. How we tawk: We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over here from East Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically the broad A and the dropped R, which we add to words ending in A, pahster, Cuber, soder. For the broad A, just open your mouth and say "ah," like the docta says. So car is cah, park is pahk. If you want to talk like the mayah, repeat after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah." When we say.... We mean:...:

1. bzah : odd
2. flahwiz : roses, etc.
3. hahpahst : 30 minutes after the hour
4. Hahwahya? : How are you?
5. khakis : what we staht the cah with
6. pissa : superb
7. retahded : silly
8. shuah : of course
9. wikkid : extremely
10. yiz : you, plural

How we'll know you weren't bon heah:

1. You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
2. You cross at a crosswalk.
3. You ask directions to "Cheers."
4. You order a grinder and a soda.
5. You pronounce it "Worchester."
6. You walk the Freedom Trail.
7. You call it "Copely" Square.
8. You go to BU.

Getting around:

1. Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
2. Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah.
3. And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and Warren Place.
4. Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B,C,D.
5. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill.
6. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
7. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
8. Readville doesn't exist.

The North-East-South-West thing:

1. Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End.
2. The North End is east of the West End. The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night.
3. Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor

About our "cuisine":

1. Boston cream pie is a cake.
2. Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
3. Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
4. Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
5. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
6. Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it, and eat it with baked beans. They're hot dogs.Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth century.

Things NOT to do:

1. Don't call it Beantown.
2. Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
3. Don't swim in the Chahles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
4. Don't sleep in the Common.
5. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
6. Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that.
7. Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.

Things you should know:

1. There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two Courthouses, two Hancock buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. How should we know which one you mean?
2. Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
3. It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
4. The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots.
5. Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
6. Never mention Bill Buckner's name.
7. The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.